So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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