I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
