I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize