I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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