I am midnight drunk by noon
can u get pink eye on your cock?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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