i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize