I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
