it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
