have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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