so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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