omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
