I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
