Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
