So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
