Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
