my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
