Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
