matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
