david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
