Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
