Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
