Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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