when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
