How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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