i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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