then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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