his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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