Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
