I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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