I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize