It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
