You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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