Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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