dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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