My Higher Power is John Stamos
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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