Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
