I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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