Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
