just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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