so that wasnt chicken after all
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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