so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
