It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
