I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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