Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
