It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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