someone threw a dead crab at me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
