the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
