Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
