I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
