The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
