im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
