I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
