what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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