somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
