the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
