It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
