Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
