hell yes lets make some ravioli
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
