Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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