Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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